This is so funny! A friend shared with me the other day since she knows that I’m up like a crazy person at 5 a.m. each morning on my way to hot yoga. For those of you who have been to hot yoga classes, you’ll appreciate this even more.
Originaly posted on Craigslist:
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:11:45aRegister for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5
class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I
smugly confirm to myself.11:55aOpen door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past
me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of
room next to cute blonde. We will date.11:57aI feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem
because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will
not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose
to her.11:58aThe shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and
decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues
my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and
conditioning.11:59aBegin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I
know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead
and continue to pretend that I don’t exist. As we finish sharing our
special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed
below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front
of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me
to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to
aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My
bride is notably unfazed.
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years
ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my
instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will
look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep
breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem
if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are
breathing each other’s body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other
unmentionables. (Don’t worry, I’ll mention them later.)
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is
hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride
and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then
realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class.
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg
with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I
am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in
the womb, but I’m in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly
weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face.
Well, “for better or worse” is what we committed to so we press on.
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his
legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has
not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe
in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not
slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a
maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging
my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food
in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of
30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously,
enough with the asparagus, ok?
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so
don’t get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I
flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get
over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my
own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese
chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit
arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed.
I lose consciousness.
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can’t really
breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my
mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what
snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk
across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never
walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary
or involuntary? If it’s voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating
in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class,
ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story
or something. It’s like juice and cracker time, ok?